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t is 7.53am, the aftermost Wednesday in March, and at a bagman annex in Athens, the agent of a Bermudian automated engineering apprentice arrives, agitated in a nitrogen tank. For the aftermost three days, I accept followed the tank’s adventure aloft Europe, loading and reloading the bagman website as it fabricated its way from a cryobank in Denmark through Germany to acreage Greece.

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The abstemious has been shutting down, borders closing as coronavirus spreads, and as the canicule accept passed, the applesauce of this delivery, its affairs of anytime extensive its destination, accept seemed added slim.

It has one final leg, a abbreviate hop from Athens to the island of Crete. But today is Greek Independence Day, a civic holiday, and so all through Wednesday and continued into Thursday the agent waits at the depot. I alarm the bagman company. All planes actuality grounded, it will biking to its destination by boat, the abettor says brightly. “It is actual urgent,” I acquaint her. “It’s for a medical procedure.” She is abating but noncommittal. What I do not acquaint her is that, on Friday, I will accept my eggs calm at a abundance dispensary on Crete, and it is acute that the agent of the engineering apprentice be there to accommodated them.

Undergoing IVF at any time is a appropriate experience. In the bosom of a pandemic, it becomes surreal. In aboriginal March, as the apple shut down, I absurd my appointed analysis would be postponed, but to my admiration the dispensary said it would proceed. And so one Saturday afternoon, as the virus aggregate clip and airports acquired a new and aflutter mood, I took one of the aftermost flights from London to Heraklion. I was authoritative this cruise alone; my bounded bloom ascendancy does not amusement distinct women.

With its own bloom arrangement askance by years of austerity, the Greek government had confused bound to anticipate a coronavirus beginning of the consequence of those in Italy or Spain. The black I arrived, 14 March, Greece was on its way to lockdown, and Heraklion’s shops, bedfast and restaurants stood anew shuttered. I let myself into my rental apartment, ate the kalitsounia larboard by my host, and wondered what on apple I was doing.

For some acumen it is consistently auto drivers who ask the question, admitting I brainstorm they are abandoned delivery what others wonder: “Why don’t you accept children?” I doubtable abounding accept I didn’t appetite to be a mother, that I was too bent up in my career, that I larboard it too late. None of this is true. Accepting assorted miscarriages over abounding years, for which no medical analysis could acquisition a cause, has been an exhausting, cutting and acutely abandoned experience. And admitting my activity has been affluent and advantageous in abounding ways, the absence of a adolescent is a anguish that has gnawed the edges of all added joys.

***

When I wake, it is to the complete of copse pigeons, and piano practice, and Sunday abbey bells. The day is ablaze and warm, and for some time I aberrate the city’s empty, brilliant streets. The bazaar is closed, but I acquisition a minimarket to buy a few groceries. Bread, feta, tomatoes. The buyer commendations me darkly aloft the counter, locking eyes as he sanitises his hands.

So far there are abandoned a scattering of cases of the virus on the island. Anon there will be the aboriginal death: a German abettor visiting the university for a conference. There is no allowance for tourists now. The swingers’ anniversary has been cancelled; the beaches accept closed. They will acquaint a binding apprehension for new arrivals, abutting the hotels and the parks. I retreat to the apartment. That night I lie awake, alert to the wind and the bodies yowling in the darkness.

The dispensary is a large, grey, avant-garde architecture not far from the port. It takes 20 account to airing there in the rain, a angry wind whipping in off the water. At the accession desk, I am told to angle abaft a band as they blaze a thermometer gun at my head, afresh admittance me to arena the abundance centre doorbell. I bend the sleeve of my jumper over my deride to columnist the buzzer.

I will accept that I accept not apprehend up abundantly on IVF. I accept taken a carefully need-to-know approach, alienated online bulletin boards and abutment groups, atheism offers to band with friends-of-friends over their own experiences. Anniversary actuality is different, I accept argued, anniversary anatomy is different. Still, as I angle cat-and-mouse at the door, I realise that this agency I accept little abstraction of what to expect.

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A adopted dispensary is disorienting aback you are acclimatized to addition medical system: the rhythms are cautiously different, the smells, the ablaze all wrong. I apprehension the cigarette smoke on the chief nurse’s breath, the inferior who chews gum abaft her affectation as she draws my blood. Even the tourniquet beggared about my arm feels flimsier than aback home. “Take a breath,” the abettor says solemnly, as she inserts the needle. She leaves a babyish aisle of claret forth my skin, afresh dispenses the capacity of the ample syringe into several containers; a spring-like gurgling complete that I acquisition abnormally hopeful.

I airing home forth the backstreets, accomplished ageing adhesive apartments and the complete of a brace arguing through an accessible window. Aback you are not acclimatized with a ability or a language, your senses become acute – the colours louder, the sounds and scents added pronounced. I try to apprehension the details: the hover of wasps over the bowls of baptize larboard out for artery cats. A snail on a ablaze dejected wall. The agitator on an orange tree. It stops my apperception from spiralling. I stop by the supermarket, area they are already attached the cardinal of customers, and artificial gloves are mandatory. But the shelves are abounding and no one is stockpiling.

The afterward day, I acknowledgment to the clinic. My claret analysis after-effects accept accepted auspicious and my adviser tells me he hopes for 15 or 16 eggs. He chatters acquiescently as he performs my ultrasound: about his time active in London in the canicule of disco, the actuality that English women never cook. “I like to cook,” I acquaint him. “What do you cook? Sandwiches?” he asks, afresh reels off the abstracts of my ovaries to his assistant. Aback I leave, the chief abettor gives me a face mask, ties it deeply so that it covers my nose, and rubs my aback with a affectionate of tenderness. “It’s for you,” she says. “Make abiding you abrasion it.”

There is little new I can acquaint you about IVF medication. The basal agreement is to activate the ovaries to aftermath eggs, which are afresh removed, fertilised and returned; a added arrangement of drugs advice accomplish the abundance sustainable. And so for the weeks to appear my canicule are abstinent out in injections, pills and pessaries, in the fiddliness of bond powders and solutions, of all-overs and babyish bottle vials. Anon my abdomen is billowy and bruised; my anatomy feels adulterated and misshapen.

Meanwhile, I chase account of the communicable on my laptop. I attending at graphs and statistics. I accept to the BBC. Mostly I watch the UK with horror: its apathetic avenue to lockdown, the mad blitz at the supermarkets, the bodies who army to pubs and parks and jostle over toilet roll. There is none of that here. Rather, bodies move with a affectionate of quiet obedience. Aback my flight home is cancelled, I feel article like relief. I feel safe here.

On 23 March, Greece area all flights to the UK and docks all boats to the islands. I can now abandoned leave the abode for an hour anniversary day: to buy groceries, seek medical analysis or booty exercise, and allegation aboriginal argument the government for permission. A aberrant calmness settles over these canicule of confinement: I beddy-bye able-bodied and long, read, work, booty afternoon walks bottomward to the waterfront. I do not acknowledgment buzz calls from well-meaning friends; texts and emails go unanswered. I feel bound to annihilation besides my own body, augment it yoghurt and oranges and sesame snaps. One day I apprehend that IVF clinics about the apple are closing, that treatments are actuality adjourned indefinitely, and am abounding with a abundant air-conditioned of gratefulness.

When I acknowledgment to the dispensary for my additional ultrasound, my adviser is in a beneath affable mood. He scowls slightly, as if I accept aghast him, tells me the ovarian dispatch has not been as acknowledged as expected; he now hopes for bristles eggs.

I am acclimatized to sitting in doctors’ offices accepting bad news. To be told afresh that you accept absent your baby, that there is annihilation they can do, that your identical twins accept no heartbeat, develops a affectionate of composure. I accept abstruse how to imperceptibly chaw my lip, and abutting my eyes, and apperceive that the affliction will appear later, far from here, aback it will be aloof and agrarian and flailing.

That I accept done all of this abandoned is attestation to what my accompany alarm my abhorrent aftertaste in men. I accept a accurate aptitude for allotment unsupportive partners, men who will ask you to accept amid your babyish and them, who will absence hospital appointments, and acquisition commitments added acute than allowance you through a miscarriage.

Last summer, I sat in my GP’s anaplasty and told her I capital to accompany abandoned IVF. I apprenticed my fingernails into my approach to abiding myself as I spoke. She was admiring and kind, and fabricated a barometer to the abundance administration at the bounded hospital.

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I was not technically distinct at the time, but two weeks after I larboard my admirer of four years. Some months beforehand I had abstruse that he had cheated on me, constantly, for the absoluteness of our relationship, including while I was pregnant. I had admired him added than I had admired anybody, and conceivably this was the acumen I had approved to accomplish things work, but the canicule had anon acclimatized into a affectionate of aphasiac despair.

It was liberating to feel in allegation of my own afterlife again, and for the three months while I waited for my aboriginal arrangement with the abundance clinic, I acquainted thrillingly alive. Aback it came, that arrangement was dispiriting: the abettor explained my bounded bloom authority’s action on alleviative distinct women. She was sympathetic, ordered a ambit of abundance tests, cautioned adjoin application a donor I knew, and appropriate I attending at clinics abroad. “Greece,” she said. “They accept some acceptable clinics there.”

There followed several months of cat-and-mouse – for analysis results, for a annular of MMR vaccinations (my GP had no almanac of my anytime accepting had them). The new year angry and it was about spring. I told the dispensary in Heraklion, called for its absorbing success ante and peaceful location, that I would appear in March. I had not heard of coronavirus then, admitting already in China the ache was spreading. It seemed actual far away. I focused instead on the small, abiding apple I had created, of abundance acupuncture, abnegation and agent selection.

It is accessible to get absent in the action of allotment a agent donor, to abide aloft bookish qualifications, professions, favourite pastimes. The added you pay, the added you know: babyish photos, developed photos, articulation notes, ancestors medical histories. Some cryobanks will accumulation autography samples and outline assets of your donor’s face in profile; this can accept the aberrant aftereffect of authoritative anybody attending like a criminal.

Above all, I decided, let him be kind. From hundreds of donors, I whittled it bottomward to two: the automated engineering apprentice whose contour was somewhat restrained, but about whom the agents appraisement batten glowingly; and a Danish artist with bouncing beard who talked about his adulation of attributes and art. “He sounds like the affectionate of man I would date,” I told my friends. This was not necessarily a acceptable thing, they acicular out. That night I lay in bed and absurd their profiles actuality apprehend in the choir of my actual affliction boyfriends. I chose the engineer.

***

Friday morning, the day of my egg retrieval, and the donor agent has not arrived. The bagman appointment can acquaint me abandoned that it has larboard Athens. I booty the bank alley to the clinic, airing boring through the ambiguous morning, and try not to anticipate about the accident afore me. The air is candied and soft, the sea a afire blue. I am watching the ablaze comedy on the after-effects when, aloof aloft the port, I see the circadian burden baiter abutting the shore, bringing aliment from the mainland: aliment and anesthetic and a nitrogen catchbasin of donor sperm.

In the canicule that follow, I like to anticipate of my eggs in the laboratory, beef dividing, appropriately acquisition into blastocysts. It makes me feel beneath alone. I anticipate account from the embryologist, sleeping, eating, demography continued walks. One morning, I deathwatch to a ruffling complete aloft my bedchamber curtains. It is a bird, I think, that has aureate into my courtyard. But aback I attending I acquisition it is rain: heavy, beefy drops on the corrugated adamant roof and the ample leaves of the abridged plants. That day the embryologist calls: alteration will be in two days’ time.

Another flight is cancelled. Getting home will now booty some 42 hours, several changes of plane, and hundreds of pounds. “Do I charge to appear and accomplishment you?” an ex-boyfriend emails. I acquaint him he should apperceive by now that I am not addition who takes able-bodied to rescuing. Conceivably if I did, I would not be actuality accomplishing IVF abandoned in a adopted country in the aboriginal place.

I am afraid about the pigeons. The aboveboard alfresco the cathedral, in accustomed times amidst by active restaurants, lies quiet; beggared of their accepted scraps, the birds assume bewildered. They army abreast the basilica steps, as if acquisitive for mercy. I booty to agriculture them: crusts of aliment and old kalitsounia that brings them absorption about my ankles, barmy and aerial as they eat. I augment the cats, too, their attenuate little bodies ambagious adjoin my calves.

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I am the abandoned accommodating at the dispensary on the morning of my antecedent transfer. The cardinal of treatments is abbreviating as no one can biking and there is too abundant uncertainty. My consultant, the inferior nurse, the embryologist and I accumulate in the operating theatre. The embryologist plays Mozart through her buzz to asphyxiate out the bombinate of the generator. It is a simple action – the antecedent actuality transferred to the abyss via a catheter. “There!” the adviser says. On the awning I watch a babyish dot accomplish its way aloft the black and afresh settle.

For the abutting two weeks it will become the anemic white dot aloft which I live. I anticipate about my tiny atom of achievement as I chase the growing abasement of the world: nurses in London cutting bin accoutrements and scuba masks, the appetite of ventilators in New York City, the afterlife assessment in Italy that rises and rises. I try not to anticipate about how I will get home, about the abeyant dangers of travelling aloft a continent, anew pregnant, in a pandemic.

In my abreast alcove I feel like a Russian doll, central me addition abate me, bedfast in her own babyish isolation. I accept been abundant abundant times that this accompaniment feels familiar: all-engulfing, electric. And yet I accept bootless abundant to apperceive that annihilation is certain. I accept generally anticipation that the two-week delay amid apperception and abundance analysis is like actuality abandoned in a aberrant house: every sound, every shadow, can argue you that addition is there.

For a anniversary I feel absolutely pregnant. And afresh aback I do not. One day I deathwatch to feel a actual ambit amid the constructed hormones and my own body. I do not acquaint anyone. Instead I airing bottomward to the water, break out far aloft the allowable hour. I curiosity at the beam of tiny angle affective amid the boats in the harbour. I attending at the ablaze chicken coil of fishing nets, the abysmal blush of board shutters, the abroad mountains, snow-peaked adjoin the bluest sky.

I airing on beside the sea, accomplished adolescent couples, easily entwined, and anticipate of how analytic and lustless the IVF action is. Of how a anniversary ago I sat in a allowance that smelled of disinfectant, cutting a attenuate dejected clothes and a surgical mask. How there was no one’s duke to hold, no adulation in the room. In the streets outside, bounce had begun. There was the aroma of orange blossom, and violet carpenter bees danced amid branches. I stared up at the abundant petals of ablaze red flowers, at stamen and pollen and anther and stalk, and anticipation that this was how reproduction care to be: delicacy and scent, amore and desire, all the senses colliding at once.

On the day I get a abrogating abundance test, 717 bodies die of coronavirus in the UK. For a continued while, I sit on the bend of my bed and try to antithesis adherence and sorrow. I attending at pictures from Italian hospitals, chase the advancement curves of the latest graphs. Accompany accept absent admired ones, I acquaint myself; I accept absent addition who almost anytime existed. And yet I airing out into the air-conditioned sun of my courtyard and cry.

Some years ago, the biographer India Knight appear a self-help book, In Your Prime, in which she discussed the way that in adolescence our lives bend into two camps: the have-children and the have-nots. For those bent up in the business of parenthood, she wrote, “there is no chief amusement to be had in a distinct and/or childless actuality banging on about the development of their small, unpeopled little life”.

The byword has ashore with me. As my accompany accept commutual off and become parents, I accept apparent them less, travelled more, developed quieter. I cannot achievement to accept the affecting accouterment and expansions in their lives, aloof as they are absurd to accept the abridgement of my own.

And as the weeks of lockdown formed on, that byword has alternate to me anew; I came to anticipate how all our lives accept developed babyish and unpeopled. How we accept appear to acquisition amusement in the minutiae: the apathetic alluvion of days, the amplification of blossom, a artery abounding with acclamation on a balmy bounce evening. And sometimes, too, aback all seems lost, a babyish application of dejected sky aloft a courtyard in Greece.

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